Habit 4: Think Win-Win
TM -- Principles of Interpersonal Leadership
*
* One time I was asked to work with a company whose president was very
concerned about the lack of cooperation among his people.
"Our
basic problem, Stephen, is that they're selfish," he said. "They just
won't cooperate. I know if they would cooperate, we could produce so much more.
Can you help us develop a human-relations program that will solve the
problem?"
"Is
your problem the people or the paradigm?" I asked.
"Look
for yourself," he replied.
So
I did. And I found that there was a real selfishness, and unwillingness to cooperate,
a resistance to authority, defensive communication. I could see that overdrawn
Emotional Bank Accounts had created a culture of low trust. But I pressed the
question.
"Let's
look at it deeper," I suggested. "Why don't your people cooperate?
What is the reward for not cooperating?"
"There's
no reward for not cooperating," he assured me. "The rewards are much
greater if they do cooperate.
"Are
they?" I asked. Behind a curtain on one wall of this man's office was a
chart. On the chart were a number of racehorses all lined up on a track.
Superimposed on the face of each horse was the face of one of his managers. At
the end of the track was a beautiful travel poster of
Once
a week, this man would bring all his people into this office and talk
cooperation. "Let's all work together. We'll all make more money if we
do." Then he would pull the curtain and show them the chart. "Now
which of you is going to win the trip to
It
was like telling one flower to grow and watering another, like saying
"firings will continue until morale improves." He wanted cooperation. He wanted his people to work together, to
share ideas, to all benefit from the effort. But he was setting them up in
competition with each other. One
manager's success meant failure for the other managers
As
with many, many problems between people in business, family, and other
relationships, the problem in this company was the result of a flawed paradigm.
The president was trying to get the fruits of cooperation from a paradigm of
competition. And when it didn't work, he
wanted a technique, a program, a quick-fix antidote to make his people
cooperate.
But
you can't change the fruit without changing the root. Working on the attitudes
and behaviors would have been hacking at the leaves. So we focused instead on producing personal
and organizational excellence in an entirely different way by developing information
and reward systems which reinforced the value of cooperation.
Whether
you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from
independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership
role. You are in a position of
influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership
is Think Win-Win.
Six Paradigms of Human
Interaction
Win-win
is not a technique; it's a total philosophy of human interaction. In fact, it
is one of six paradigms of interaction.
The alternative paradigms are win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose, win, and
Win-Win or No Deal.
Win-Win
Win-win
is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human
interactions. Win-win means that agreements or solutions are
mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a win-win solution, all
parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan.
Win-win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena. Most people tend
to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or
lose. But that kind of thinking if
fundamentally flawed. It's based on power and position rather than on
principle. Win-win is based on the
paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person's success is not
achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others.
Win-win
is a belief in the Third Alternative. It's not your way or my way; it's a
better way, a higher way.
Win-Lose
One
alternative to win-win is win-lose, the paradigm of
the race to
In
leadership style, win-lose is the authoritarian approach: "I get my way;
you don't get yours." Win-lose people are prone to use position, power,
credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.
Most
people have been deeply scripted in the win-lose mentality since birth. First
and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child
is compared with another -- when patience, understanding or love is given or
withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons -- people are into win-lose
thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to
earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically
valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in
comparison with somebody else or against some expectation.
And
what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent
upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of
conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win-lose
mentality.
"If
I'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more."
"My
parents don't love me as much as they love my sister. I must not be as valuable."
Another powerful scripting agency is the
peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his
peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers
sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of
conformity to their expectations and norms, providing additional scripting
toward win-lose.
The
academic world reinforces win-lose scripting. The "normal distribution
curve" basically says that you got an "A" because someone else
got a "C." It interprets an individual's value by comparing him or
her to everyone else. No recognition is given to intrinsic value; everyone is
extrinsically defined.
"Oh, how nice to see you here at our PTA
meeting.
You ought to be really proud of your daughter, Caroline. She's in the upper 10
percent."
"That
makes me feel good."
"But
your son, Johnny, is in trouble. He's in the lower quartile."
"Really? Oh, that's terrible!
What can we do about it?"
What
this kind of comparative information doesn't tell you is that perhaps Johnny is
going on all eight cylinders while Caroline is coasting on four of her eight.
But people are not graded against their potential or against the full use of
their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. And grades
are carriers of social value; they open doors of opportunity or they close
them. Competition, not cooperation, lies at the core of the educational
process. Cooperation, in fact, is
usually associated with cheating.
Another powerful programming agent is
athletics, particularly for young men in their high school or college years.
Often they develop the basic paradigm that life is a big game, a zero sum game
where some win and some lose. "Winning" is "beating" in the
athletic arena.
Another
agent is law. We live in a litigious society. The first thing many people think
about when they get into trouble is suing someone, taking him to court,
"winning" at someone else's expense. But defensive minds are neither
creative nor cooperative.
Certainly
we need law or else society will deteriorate. It provides survival, but it
doesn't create synergy. At best it results in compromise. Law is based on an
adversarial concept. The recent trend of encouraging lawyers and law schools to
focus on peaceable negotiation, the techniques of win-win, and the use of
private courts, may not provide the ultimate solution, but it does reflect a
growing awareness of the problem.
Certainly
there is a place for win-lose thinking in truly competitive and low-trust
situations. But most of life is not a competition. We don't have to live each
day competing with our spouse, our children, our co-workers, our neighbors, and
our friends. "Who's winning in your marriage?" is a ridiculous
question. If both people aren't winning, both are losing.
Most
of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most results you
want depend on cooperation between you and others. And the win-lose mentality
is dysfunctional to that cooperation.
Lose-Win
Some people are programmed the other way --
lose-win.
"I lose, you win."
"Go ahead. Have your way with me."
"Step on me again. Everyone does."
"I'm a loser. I've always been a loser."
"I'm a peacemaker. I'll do anything to keep peace."
Lose-win
is worse than win-lose because it has no standards -- no demands, no
expectations, no vision. People who think lose-win are usually quick to please
or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little
courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily
intimidated by the ego strength of others.
In
negotiation, lose-win is seen as capitulation -- giving in or giving up. In
leadership style, it's permissiveness or indulgence. Lose-win means being a
nice guy, even if "nice guys finish last.
Win-lose
people love lose-win people because they can feed on them. They love their
weaknesses -- they take advantage of them. Such weaknesses complement their
strengths.
But
the problem is that lose-win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed
feelings never die; they're buried alive and come forth in uglier ways. Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly of the
respiratory, nervous, and circulatory systems often are the reincarnation of
cumulative resentment, deep disappointment, and disillusionment repressed by
the lose-win mentality. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor
provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion.
People
who are constantly repressing, not transcending, feelings towards a higher
meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually
the quality of their relationships with others.
Both
win-lose and lose-win are weak positions, based in personal insecurities. In
the short run, win-lose will produce more results because it draws on the often
considerable strengths and talents of the people at the top. Lose-win is weak
and chaotic from the outset.
Many
executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum,
from win-lose inconsideration to lose-win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of
structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back
to win-lose -- until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to
lose-win -- until anger and frustration drive them back to win-lose again.
Lose-Lose
When
two win-lose people get together -- that is, when two determined, stubborn,
ego-invested individuals interact -- the result will be lose-lose. Both will
lose. Both will become vindictive and want to "get back" or "get
even," blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a
two-edged sword.
I
know of a divorce in which the husband was directed by the judge to sell the
assets and turn over half the proceeds to his ex-wife. In compliance, he sold a
car worth over $10,000 for $50 and gave $25 to the wife. When the wife
protested, the court clerk checked on the situation and discovered that the
husband was proceeding in the same manner systematically through all of the assets.
Some
people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of
another person that they become blind to everything except their desire for
that person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. Lose-lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of
war.
Lose-lose
is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person
without inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be,
too. "If nobody ever wins, perhaps being a loser isn't so bad.
Win
Another
common alternative is simply to think win.
People with the win mentality don't necessarily want someone else to
lose. That's irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want.
When
there is no sense of contest or competition, win is probably the most common
approach in everyday negotiation. A person with the win mentality thinks in
terms of securing his own ends -- and leaving it to others to secure theirs.
Which
Option Is Best?
Of
these five philosophies discussed so far -- win-win, win-lose,
lose-win, lose-lose, and win -which is the most effective? The answer is,
"It depends." If you win a football game, that
means the other team loses. If you work in a regional office that is miles away
from another regional office, and you don't have any functional relationship
between the offices, you may want to compete in a win-lose situation to
stimulate business. However, you would not want to set up a win-lose situation
like the "Race to Bermuda" contest within a company or in a situation
where you need cooperation among people or groups of people to achieve maximum
success.
If
you value a relationship and the issue isn't really that important, you may
want to go for lose-win in some circumstances to genuinely affirm the other
person. "What I want isn't as important to me as my relationship with you.
Let's do it your way this time." You might also go for lose-win if you
feel the expense of time and effort to achieve a win of any kind would violate
other higher values. Maybe it just isn't worth it.
There
are circumstances in which you would want to win, and you wouldn't be highly
concerned with the relationship of that win to others. If your child's life
were in danger, for example, you might be peripherally concerned about other
people and circumstances. But saving
that life would be supremely important.
The
best choice, then, depends on reality. The challenge is to read that reality
accurately and not to translate win-lose or other scripting into every
situation.
Most
situations, in fact, are part of an interdependent reality, and then win-win is
really the only viable alternative of the five.
Win-lose
is not viable because, although I appear to win in a
confrontation with you, your feelings, your attitudes toward me and our
relationship have been affected. If I am a supplier to your company, for
example, and I win on my terms in a particular negotiation, I may get what I
want now. But will you come to me again? My short-term win will really be a
long-term lose if I don't get your repeat business. So
an interdependent win-lose is really lose-lose in the long run.
If
we come up with a lose-win, you may appear to get what you want for the moment.
But how will that affect my attitude about working with you, about fulfilling
the contract? I may not feel as anxious to please you. I may carry battle scars
with me into any future negotiations. My attitude about you and your company
may be spread as I associate with others in the industry. So we're into lose-lose
again. Lose-lose obviously isn't viable in any context.
And
if I focus on my own win and don't even consider your point of view, there's no
basis for any kind of productive relationship.
In
the long run, if it isn't a win for both of us, we both lose. That's why
win-win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities.
I
worked with a client once, the president of a large chain of retail stores, who
said, "Stephen, this win-win idea sounds good, but it is so idealistic.
The tough, realistic business world isn't like that. There's win-lose
everywhere, and if you're not out there playing the game, you just can't make
it."
"All
right," I said, "try going for win-lose with your customers. Is that
realistic?"
"Well, no," he replied.
"Why not?"
"I'd lose my customers."
"Then,
go for lose-win -- give the store away. Is that realistic?"
"No.
No margin, no mission."
As
we considered the various alternatives, win-win appeared to be the only truly
realistic approach.
"I
guess that's true with customers," he admitted, "but not with
suppliers."
"You
are the customer of the supplier," I said. "Why doesn't the same
principle apply?"
"Well,
we recently renegotiated our lease agreements with the mall operators and
owners," he said. "We went in with a win-win attitude. We were open,
reasonable, conciliatory. But they saw that position
as being soft and weak, and they took us to the cleaners."
"Well,
why did you go for lose-win?" I asked.
"We didn't. We went for win-win."
"I
thought you said they took you to the cleaners."
"They did."
"In
other words, you lost."
"That's right."
"And they won."
"That's right."
"So what's that called?"
When
he realized that what he had called win-win was really lose-win, he was
shocked. And as we examined the long-term impact of that lose-win, the
suppressed feelings, the trampled values, the resentment that seethed under the
surface of the relationship, we agreed that it was really a loss for both
parties in the end.
If
this man had had a real win-win attitude, he would have stayed longer in the
communication process, listened to the mall owner more, then
expressed his point of view with more courage. He would have continued in the
win-win spirit until a solution was reached and they both felt good about it.
And that solution, that Third Alternative, would have been synergistic --
probably something neither of them had thought of on his own.
Win-Win or No Deal
If
these individuals had not come up with a synergistic solution -- one that was
agreeable to both -- they could have gone for an even higher expression of
win-win, Win-Win or No Deal.
No
deal basically means that if we can't find a solution that would benefit us
both, we agree to disagree agreeably -- no deal. No expectations have been created, no
performance contracts established. I don't hire you or we don't take on a
particular assignment together because it's obvious that our values or our
goals are going in opposite directions. It is so much better to realize this up
front instead of downstream when expectations have been created and both
parties have been disillusioned.
When
you have no deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have
no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you
want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper
issues underlying the positions.
With
no deal as an option, you can honestly say, "I only want to go for
win-win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn't want to get my way
and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually
surface and create a withdrawal. On the other hand, I don't think you would
feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let's work for a win-win. Let's
really hammer it out. And if we can't find it, then let's agree that we won't
make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision
that wasn't right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get
together."
Some
time after learning the concept of Win-Win or No Deal, the president of a small
computer software company shared with me the following experience:
"We
had developed new software which we sold on a five-year contract to a
particular bank. The bank president was excited about it, but his people
weren't really behind the decision.
"About
a month later, that bank changed presidents.
The new president came to me and said, 'I am uncomfortable with these
software conversions. I have a mess on my hands. My people are all saying that
they can't go through this and I really feel I just can't push it at this point
in time.'
"My
own company was in deep financial trouble. I knew I had every legal right to
enforce the contract. But I had become convinced of the value of the principle
of win-win.
"So
I told him 'We have a contract. Your bank has secured our products and our
services to convert you to this program. But we understand that you're not
happy about it. So what we'd like to do is give you back the contract, give you
back your deposit, and if you are ever looking for a software solution in the
future, come back and see us.'
"I
literally walked away from an $84,000 contract. It was close to financial
suicide. But I felt that, in the long run, if the principle were true, it would
come back and pay dividends.
"Three
months later, the new president called me. 'I'm now
going to make changes in my date processing,' he said, 'and I want to do
business with you.' He signed a contract for $240,000."
Anything
less than win-win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will
have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of the impact needs to be
carefully considered. If you can't reach a true win-win, you're very often
better off to go for no deal.
Win-Win
or No Deal provides tremendous emotional freedom in the family relationship. If
family members can't agree on a video that everyone will enjoy, they can simply
decide to do something else -- no deal -- rather than having some enjoy the
evening at the expense of others.
I
have a friend whose family has been involved in singing together for several
years. When they were young, she arranged the music, made the costumes,
accompanied them on the piano, and directed the performances.
As
the children grew older, their taste in music began to change and they wanted
to have more say in what they performed and what they wore. They became less
responsive to direction.
Because
she had years of experience in performing herself and felt closer to the needs
of the older people at the rest homes where they planned to perform, she didn't
feel that many of the ideas they were suggesting would be appropriate. At the
same time, however, she recognized their need to express themselves and to be
part of the decision-making process.
So
she set up a Win-Win or No Deal. She told them she wanted to arrive at an
agreement that everyone felt good about -- or they would simply find other ways
to enjoy their talents. As a result, everyone felt free to express his or her
feelings and ideas as they worked to set up a Win-Win Agreement, knowing that
whether or not they could agree, there would be no emotional strings.
The
Win-Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business
relationship or enterprise. In a continuing business
relationship, no deal may not be a viable option, which can create serious
problems, especially for family businesses or businesses that are begun
initially on the basis of friendship.
In
an effort to preserve the relationship, people sometimes go on for years making
one compromise after another, thinking win-lose or lose-win even while talking
win-win. This creates serious problems for the people and for the business,
particularly if the competition operates on win-win and synergy.
Without
no deal, many such businesses simply deteriorate and either fail or have to be
turned over to professional managers. Experience shows that it is often better
in setting up a family business or a business between friends to acknowledge
the possibility of no deal downstream and to establish some kind of buy/sell
agreement so that the business can prosper without permanently damaging the
relationship.
Of
course there are some relationships where no deal is not
viable. I wouldn't abandon my child or my spouse and go for no deal (it
would be better, if necessary, to go for compromise -- a low form of win-win).
But in many cases, it is possible to go into negotiation with a full Win-Win or
No Deal attitude. And the freedom in the attitude is incredible.
Five
Dimensions of Win-Win
Think
Win-Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership. It involves the exercise of
each of the unique human endowments -- self-awareness, imagination, conscience,
and independent will -- in our relationships with others. It involves mutual
learning, mutual influence, mutual benefits.
It
takes great courage as well as consideration to create these mutual benefits,
particularly if we're interacting with others who are deeply scripted in win-los.
That
is why this habit involves principles of interpersonal leadership. Effective interpersonal leadership requires
the vision, the proactive initiative, and the security, guidance, wisdom, and
power that come from principle-centered personal leadership.
The
principle of win-win is fundamental to success in all our interactions, and it
embraces five interdependent dimensions of life. It begins with character and
moves toward relationships, out of which flow agreements. It is nurtured in an
environment where structure and systems are based on win-win. And it involves
process; we cannot achieve win-win ends with win-lose or lose-win means.
The
following diagram shows how these five dimensions relate to each other.
Now
let's consider each of the five dimensions in turn.
Character
Character
is the foundation of win-win, and everything else builds on that foundation.
There are three character traits essential to the win-win paradigm.
INTEGRITY. We've already defined integrity as the
value we place on ourselves. Habits 1, 2, and 3 help us develop and maintain
integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and
execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and
independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.
There's
no way to go for a win in our own lives if we don't even know, in a deep sense,
what constitutes a win -- what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost
values. And if we can't make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to
others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They
sense duplicity and become guarded. There's no foundation of trust and win-win
becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in
the foundation.
MATURITY. Maturity is the balance between courage
and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with
courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another
person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.
If
you examine many of the psychological tests used for hiring, promoting, and
training purposes, you will find that they are designed to evaluate this kind
of maturity. Whether it's called the ego strength/empathy balance, the self
confidence/respect for others balance, the concern for people/concern for tasks
balance, "I'm okay, you're okay" in transactional analysis language,
or 9.1, 1.9, 5.5, 9.9, in management grid language -- the quality sought for is
the balance of what I call courage and consideration.
Respect
for this quality is deeply ingrained in the theory of human interaction,
management, and leadership. It is a deep embodiment of the P/PC Balance. While
courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term
welfare of the other stakeholders. The basic task of leadership is to increase
the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders.
Many
people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you're nice,
you're not tough. But win-win is nice...and tough. It's twice as tough as
win-lose. To go for win-win, you not only have to be nice, you have to be
courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident. You not
only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to
achieve that balance between courage and consideration, is the essence of real
maturity and is fundamental to win-win.
If
I'm high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? Win-lose. I'll be strong and ego bound. I'll have the
courage of my convictions, but I won't be very considerate of yours.
To
compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might
borrow strength from my position and power, or from my credentials, my
seniority, my affiliation.
If
I'm high on consideration and low on courage, I'll think lose-win. I'll be so
considerate of your convictions and desires that I won't have the courage to
express and actualize my own.
High
courage and consideration are both essential to win-win. It is the balance that
is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can listen, I can empathically
understand, but I can also courageously confront.
ABUNDANCE MENTALITY. The third character trait essential to
win-win is the Abundance Mentality, the paradigm that there is plenty out there
for everybody.
Most
people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life
as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if
someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody
else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.
People
with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and
credit, power or profit -- even with those who help in the production. They
also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other
people -- even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close
friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them
when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has
remarkable success or achievement.
Although
they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are
eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and
someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many
people can be "A" students; only one person can be "number
one." To "win" simply means to "beat."
Often,
people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer
misfortune -- not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misfortune that would
keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always
competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in
order to increase their sense of worth.
They
want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone
them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people -- people who
won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.
It's
difficult for people with a Scarcity Mentality to be members of a complementary
team. They look on differences as signs of insubordination and disloyalty.
The
Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of
personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there
and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of
recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options,
alternatives, and creativity.
The
Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of
Habits 1, 2, and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner
direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited
possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new
Third Alternatives.
Public Victory does not mean victory over
other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually
beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together,
communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people
couldn't make happen by working independently. And Public Victory is an
outgrowth of the Abundance Mentality paradigm.
A
character rich in integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality has a genuineness
that goes far beyond technique, or lack of it, in human interaction.
One
thing I have found particularly helpful to win-lose people in developing a
win-win character is to associate with some model or mentor who really thinks
win-win. When people are deeply scripted in win-lose or other philosophies and
regularly associate with others who are likewise scripted, they don't have much
opportunity to see and experience the win-win philosophy in action. So I recommend reading literature, such as
the inspiring biography of Anwar Sadat,
In Search of Identity, and seeing movies like Chariots of Fire or plays like
Les Miserables that expose you to models of win-win.
But
remember: If we search deeply enough within ourselves -- beyond the scripting,
beyond the learned attitudes and behaviors -- the real validation of win-win,
as well as every other correct principle, is in our own lives.
Relationships
From
the foundation of character, we build and maintain win-win relationships. The
trust, the Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of win-win. Without trust, the best we can do is
compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning
and communication and real creativity.
But
if our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue.
Enough deposits have been made so that you know and I know that we deeply
respect each other. We're focused on the issues, not on personalities or
positions.
Because
we trust each other, we're open. We put our cards on the table. Even though we
see things differently, I know that you're willing to listen with respect while
I describe the young woman to you, and you know that I'll treat your
description of the old woman with the same respect. We're both committed to try
to understand each other's point of view deeply and to work together for the
Third Alternative, the synergistic solution, that will
be a better answer for both of us.
A
relationship where bank accounts are high and both parties are deeply committed
to win-win is the ideal springboard for tremendous synergy (Habit 6). That relationship neither makes the issues any less real or important,
nor eliminates the differences in perspective. But it does eliminate the
negative energy normally focused on differences in personality and position and
creates a positive, cooperative energy focused on thoroughly understanding the
issue and resolving them in a mutually beneficial way.
But
what if that kind of relationship isn't there? What if you have to work out an
agreement with someone who hasn't even heard of win-win and is deeply scripted
in win-lose or some other philosophy?
Dealing
with win-lose is the real test of win-win.
Rarely is win-win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and
fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both
parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional
Bank Account in the relationship.
When
you're dealing with a person who is coming from a paradigm of win-lose, the
relationship is still the key. The place to focus is on your Circle of
Influence. You make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine
courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that person and for the other point of
view. You stay longer in the communication process. You listen more, you listen
in greater depth. You express yourself with greater courage. You aren't
reactive. You go deeper inside yourself for strength of character to be
proactive. You keep hammering it out until the other person begins to realize
that you genuinely want the resolution to be a real win for both of you. That
very process is a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account.
And
the stronger you are -- the more genuine your character, the higher your level of proactivity, the more
committed you really are to win-win -- the more powerful your influence will be
with that other person. This is the real test of interpersonal leadership. It goes beyond transactional leadership into
transformational leadership, transforming the individuals involved as well as
the relationship.
Because
win-win is a principle people can validate in their own lives, you will be able
to bring most people to a realization that they will win more of what they want
by going for what you both want. But there will be a few who are so deeply
embedded in the win-lose mentality that they just won't Think Win-Win. So remember that no deal is always an option.
Or you may occasionally choose to go for the low form of win-win -- compromise.
It's
important to realize that not all decisions need to be win-win, even when the
Emotional Bank Account is high. Again, the key is the relationship. If you and
I worked together, for example, and you were to come to me and say,
"Stephen, I know you won't like this decision. I don't have time to
explain it to you, let alone get you involved. There's a good possibility
you'll think it's wrong. But will you support
it?"
If
you had a positive Emotional Bank Account with me, of course I'd support it.
I'd hope you were right and I was wrong. I'd work to make your decision work.
But
if the Emotional Bank Account weren't there, and if I were reactive, I wouldn't
really support it. I might say I would to your face, but behind your back I
wouldn't be very enthusiastic. I wouldn't make the investment necessary to make
it succeed. "It didn't work," I'd say. "So what do you want me
to do now?"
If
I were overreactive, I might even torpedo your
decision and do what I could to make sure others did too. Or I might become
"maliciously obedient" and do exactly and only what you tell me to
do, accepting no responsibility for results.
During
the five years I lived in
An
agreement means very little in letter without the character and relationship
base to sustain it in spirit. So we need to approach win-win from a genuine
desire to invest in the relationships that make it possible.
Agreements
From
relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to
win-win. They are sometimes called performance agreements or partnership
agreements, or shifting the paradigm of productive interaction from vertical to
horizontal, from hovering supervision to self-supervision, from positioning to
being partners in success.
Win-Win
Agreements cover a wide scope of interdependent interaction. We discussed one important application when
we talked about delegation in the "Green and Clean" story in Habit 3.
The same five elements we listed there provide the structure for Win-Win
Agreements between employers and employees, between independent people working
together on projects, between groups of people cooperatively focused on a
common objective, between companies and suppliers -- between any people who
need to interact to accomplish. They create an effective way to clarify and
manage expectations between people involved in any .interdependent endeavor.
Desired
results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when.
Guidelines specify the parameters (principles,
policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished
Resources
identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available
to help accomplish the results.
Accountability
sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation.
Consequences
specify -- good and bad, natural and logical -- what does and will happen as a
result of the evaluation.
These
five elements give Win-Win Agreements a life of their own. A clear mutual
understanding and agreement up front in these areas creates a standard against
which people can measure their own success.
Traditional
authoritarian supervision is a win-lose paradigm. It's also the result of an
overdrawn Emotional Bank Account. If you don't have trust or common vision of
desired results, you tend to hover over, check up on, and direct. Trust isn't
there, so you feel as though you have to control people.
But
if the trust account is high, what is your method? Get out of their way. As long as you have an up-front Win-Win
Agreement and they know exactly what is expected, your role is to be a source
of help and to receive their accountability reports.
It
is much more ennobling to the human spirit to let people judge themselves than
to judge them. And in a high-trust culture, it's much more accurate. In many
cases people know in their hearts how things are going much better than the
records show. Discernment is often far more accurate than either observation or
measurement.
Win-Win
Management Training
Several years ago, I was indirectly involved
in a consulting project with a very large banking institution that had scores
of branches. They wanted us to evaluate and improve their management training
program, which was supported by an annual budget of $750,000. The program
involved selecting college graduates and putting them through twelve two-week
assignments in various departments over a six-month period of time so that they
could get a general sense of the industry. They spent two week in commercial
loans, two weeks in industrial loans, two weeks in marketing, two week in
operations, and so forth. At the end of the six-month period, they were
assigned as assistant managers in the various branch banks.
Our
assignment was to evaluate the six-month formal training period. As we began,
we discovered that the most difficult part of the assignment was to get a clear
picture of the desired results. We asked the top executives the key hard
question: "What should these people be able to do when they finish the
program?" And the answers we got were vague and often contradictory.
The
training program dealt with methods, not results; so we suggested that they set
up a pilot training program based on a different paradigm called
"learner-controlled instruction." This was a Win-Win Agreement that
involved identifying specific objectives and criteria that would demonstrate
their accomplishment and identifying the guidelines, resources, accountability,
and consequences that would result when the objectives were met. The
consequences in this case were promotion to assistant manager, where they would
receive the on-the-job part of their training, and a significant increase in
salary.
We
had to really press to get the objectives hammered out. "What is it you
want them to understand about accounting? What about marketing? What about real estate loans?" And we went down the list. They finally came
up with over 100 objectives, which we simplified, reduced, and consolidated
until we came down to 39 specific behavioral objectives with criteria attached
to them.
The
trainees were highly motivated by both the opportunity and the increased salary
to meet the criteria as soon as possible. There was a big win in it for them,
and there was also a big win for the company because they would have assistant
branch managers who met results-oriented criteria instead of just showing up
for 12 different activity traps.
So
we explained the difference between learner-controlled instruction and
system-controlled instruction to the trainees. We basically said, "Here
are the objectives and the criteria. Here are the resources, including learning
from each other. So go to it. As soon as you meet the criteria, you will be
promoted to assistant managers.
They
were finished in three and a half weeks.
Shifting the training paradigm had released unbelievable motivation and
creativity
As
with many Paradigm Shifts, there was resistance. Almost all of the top
executives simply wouldn't believe it. When they were shown the evidence that
the criteria had been met, they basically said, "These trainees don't have
the experience. They lack the seasoning necessary to give them the kind of
judgment we want them to have as assistant branch managers."
In
talking with them later, we found that what many of them were really saying
was, "We went through goat week; how come these guys don't have to?"
But of course they couldn't put it that way. "They lack seasoning"
was a much more acceptable expression.
In addition, for obvious reasons (including
the $750,000 budget for a six-month program), the personnel department was
upset.
So we responded, "Fair enough. Let's develop some more objectives and attach
criteria to them. But let's stay with the paradigm of learner-controlled
instruction." We hammered out eight more objectives with very tough
criteria in order to give the executives the assurance that the people were
adequately prepared to be assistant branch managers and continue the on-the-job
part of the training program. After participating in some of the sessions where
these criteria were developed, several of the executives remarked that if the
trainees could meet these tough criteria, they would be better prepared than almost
any who had gone through the six-month program.
We
had prepared the trainees to expect resistance. We took the additional
objectives and criteria back to them and said, "Just as we expected,
management wants you to accomplish some additional objectives with even tougher
criteria than before. They have assured us this time that if you meet these
criteria, they will make you assistant managers."
They
went to work in unbelievable ways. They went to the executives in departments
such as accounting and basically said, "Sir, I am a member of this new
pilot program called learner-controlled instruction, and it is my understanding
that you participated in developing the objectives and the criteria."
"I
have six criteria to meet in this particular department. I was able to pass
three of them off with skills I gained in college; I was able to get another
one out of a book; I learned the fifth one from Tom, the fellow you trained
last week. I only have one criterion left to meet, and I wonder if you or someone
else in the department might be able to spend a few hours with me to show me
how." So they spent a half a day in a department instead of two weeks.
These
trainees cooperated with each other, brainstormed with each other, and they
accomplished the additional objectives in a week and a half. The six-month
program was reduced to five weeks, and the results were significantly
increased.
This
kind of thinking can similarly affect every area of organizational life if
people have the courage to explore their paradigms and to concentrate on
win-win. I am always amazed at the results that happen, both to individuals and
to organizations, when responsible, proactive, self-directing individuals are
turned loose on a task.
Win-Win
Performance Agreements
Creating
Win-Win Performance Agreements requires vital Paradigm Shifts. The focus is on
results; not methods. Most of us tend to supervise methods. We use the gofer
delegation discussed in Habit 3, the methods management I used with Sandra when
I asked her to take pictures of our son as he was waterskiing. But Win-Win
Agreements focus on results, releasing tremendous individual human potential
and creating greater synergy, building PC in the process instead of focusing
exclusively on P
With
win-win accountability, people evaluate themselves. The traditional evaluation
games people play are awkward and emotionally exhausting. In win-win, people evaluate themselves, using
the criteria that they themselves helped to create up front. And if you set it
up correctly, people can do that. With a Win-Win Delegation Agreement, even a
seven-year-old boy can tell for himself how well he's keeping the yard
"green and clean."
My
best experiences in teaching university classes have come when I have created a
win-win shared understanding of the goal up front. "This is what we're
trying to accomplish. Here are the basic requirements for an A, B, or C grade.
My goal is to help every one of you get an A. Now you take what we've talked
about and analyze it and come up with your own understanding of what you want
to accomplish that is unique to you. Then let's get together and agree on the
grade you want and what you plan to do to get it."
Management
philosopher and consultant Peter Drucker recommends
the use of a "manager's letter" to capture the essence of performance
agreements between managers and their employees. Following a deep and thorough
discussion of expectations, guidelines, and resources to make sure they are in
harmony with organizational goals, the employee writes a letter to the manager
that summarizes the discussion and indicates when the next performance plan or
review discussion will take place.
Developing
such a Win-Win Agreement is the central activity of management. With an
agreement in place, employees can manage themselves within the framework of
that agreement. The manager then can serve like a pace car in a race. He can
get things going and then get out of the way. His job from then on is to remove
the oil spills.
When
a boss becomes the first assistant to each of his subordinates, he can greatly
increase his span of control. Entire levels of administrations and overhead are
eliminated. Instead of supervising six or eight, such a manager can supervise
twenty, thirty, fifty, or more.
In
Win-Win Agreements, consequences become the natural or logical results of
performance rather than a reward or punishment arbitrarily handed out by the
person in charge.
There
are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that
management or parents can control -- financial, psychic, opportunity, and
responsibility. Financial consequences include such things as income, stock
options, allowances, or penalties.
Psychic or psychological consequences include recognition, approval,
respect, credibility, or the loss of them. Unless people are in a survival
mode, psychic compensation is often more motivating than financial
compensation.
In
addition to these logical, personal consequences, it is also important to
clearly identify what the natural organizational consequences are. For example,
what will happen if I'm late to work, if I refuse to cooperate with others, if
I don't develop good Win-Win Agreements with my subordinates, if I don't hold
them accountable for desired results, or if I don't promote their professional
growth and career development.
When
my daughter turned 16, we set up a Win-Win Agreement regarding use of the
family car. We agreed that she would obey the laws of the land and that she
would keep the car clean and properly maintained. We agreed that she would use
the car only for responsible purposes and would serve as a cab driver for her
mother and me within reason. And we also agreed that she would do all her other
jobs cheerfully without being reminded. These were our wins.
We
also agreed that I would provide some resources -- the car, gas, and insurance.
And we agreed that she would meet weekly with me, usually on Sunday afternoon,
to evaluate how she was doing based on our agreement. The consequences were
clear. As long as she kept her part of the agreement, she could use the car. If
she didn't keep it, she would lose the privilege until she decided to.
This
Win-Win Agreement set up clear expectations from the beginning on both our
parts. It was a win for her -- she got to use the car -- and it was certainly a
win for Sandra and me. Now she could handle her own transportation needs and
even some of ours. We didn't have to
worry about maintaining the car or keeping it clean. And we had a built-in
accountability, which meant I didn't have to hover over her to manage her
methods. Her integrity, her conscience,
her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her
infinitely better. We didn't have to get emotionally strung out, trying to
supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot
if she didn't do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win-Win
Agreement, and it liberated us all.
Win-Win
Agreements are tremendously liberating. But as the product of isolated
techniques, they won't hold up. Even if you set them up in the beginning, there
is no way to maintain them without personal integrity and relationship of
trust.
A
true Win-Win Agreement is the product of the paradigm, the character, and the
relationships out of which it grows. In this context, it defines and directs
the interdependent interaction of which it was created.
Win-win can only survive in an organization
when the systems support it. If you talk win-win but reward win-lose, you've
got a losing program on your hands.
You
basically get what you reward. If you want to achieve the goals and reflect the
values in your mission statement, then you need to align the reward system with
these goals and values. If it isn't aligned systematically, you won't be
walking your talk. You'll be in the situation of the manager I mentioned
earlier who talked cooperation but practiced competition by creating a
"Race to
I
worked for several years with a very large real estate organization in the
Out
of the 800 people there, around 40 received awards for top performance, such as
"Most Sales," "Greatest Volume," "Highest Earned
Commissions," and "Most Listings." There was a lot of hoopla
-excitement, cheering, applause -- around the
presentation of these awards. There was no doubt that those 40 people had won;
but there was also the underlying awareness that 760 people had lost.
We
immediately began educational and organizational development work to align the
systems and structures of the organization toward the win-win paradigm. We
involved people at a grass-roots level to develop the kinds of systems that
would motivate them. We also encouraged
them to cooperate and synergize with each other so that as many as possible
could achieve the desired results of their individually tailored performance
agreements.
At
the next rally one year later, there were over 1,000 sales associates present,
and about 800 of them received awards. There were a few individual winners
based on comparisons, but the program primarily focused on people achieving
self-selected performance objectives and on groups achieving team objectives.
There was no need to bring in the high school bands to artificially contrive
the fanfare, the cheerleading, and the psych up. There was tremendous natural
interest and excitement because people could share in each others' happiness, and teams of sales associates could experience
rewards together, including a vacation trip for the entire office.
The
remarkable thing was that almost all of the 800 who received the awards that
year had produced as much per person in terms of volume and profit as the
previous year's 40. The spirit of win-win had significantly increased the
number of golden eggs and had fed the goose as well, releasing enormous human
energy and talent. The resulting synergy was astounding to almost everyone
involved.
Competition has its place in the marketplace
or against last year's performance -- perhaps even against another office or
individual where there is no particular interdependence, no need to cooperate.
But cooperation in the workplace is as important to free enterprise as
competition in the marketplace. The spirit of win-win cannot survive in an
environment of competition and contests.
For
win-win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the
planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the
information system, the compensation system -- all have to be based on the
principle of win-win.
I
did some consulting for another company that wanted training for their people
in human relations. The underlying assumption was that the problem was the
people.
The
president said, "Go into any store you want and see how they treat you.
They're just order takers. They don't understand how to get close to the
customers. They don't know the product and they don't have the knowledge and
the skill in the sales process necessary to create a marriage between the
product and the need."
So
I went to the various stores. And he was right. But that still didn't answer
the question in my mind: What caused the attitude?
"Look,
we're on top of the problem," the president said. "We have department
heads out there setting a great example. We've told them their job is
two-thirds selling and one-third management, and they're outselling everybody.
We just want you to provide some training for the salespeople.
Those
words raised a red flag. "Let's get some more data," I said.
He
didn't like that. He "knew" what the problem was, and he wanted to
get on with training. But I persisted, and within two days we uncovered the
real problem. Because of the job definition and the compensation system, the
managers were "creaming."
They'd stand behind the cash register and cream all the business during
the slow times. Half the time in retail is slow and the other half is frantic.
So the managers would give all the dirty jobs -- inventory control, stock work,
and cleaning -- to the salespeople. And they would stand behind the registers
and cream. That's why the department heads were top in sales.
So
we changed one system -- the compensation system -- and the problem was
corrected overnight. We set up a system whereby the managers only made money
when their salespeople made money. We overlapped the needs and goals of the
managers with the needs and goals of the salespeople. And the need for
human-relations training suddenly disappeared. The key was developing a true
win-win reward system.
In
another instance, I worked with a manager in a company that required formal
performance evaluation. He was frustrated over the evaluation rating he had
given a particular manager. "He deserved a three," he said, "but
I had to give him a one" (which meant superior, promotable).
"What
did you give him a one for?" I asked.
"He
gets the numbers," was his reply.
"So
why do you think he deserves a three?"
"It's
the way he gets them. He neglects people; he runs over them. He's a
troublemaker."
"It
sounds like he's totally focused on P -- on production. And that's what he's
being rewarded for. But what would happen if you talked with him about the
problem, if you helped him understand the importance of PC?"
He
said he had done so, with no effect.
"Then
what if you set up a win-win contract with him where you both agreed that
two-thirds of his compensation would come from P -- from numbers -- and the
other one-third would come from PC -- how other people perceive him, what kind
of leader, people builder, team builder he is?"
"Now
that would get his attention," he replied.
So
often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people
in bad systems, you get bad results. You have to water the flowers you want to
grow.
As
people really learn to Think Win-Win, they can set up the systems to create and
reinforce it. They can transform unnecessarily competitive situations to
cooperative ones and can powerfully impact their effectiveness by building both
P and PC.
In
business, executives can align their systems to create teams of highly
productive people working together to compete against external standards of
performance. In education, teachers can set up grading systems based on an
individual's performance in the context of agreed-upon criteria and can
encourage students to cooperate in productive ways to help each other learn and
achieve. In families, parents can shift the focus from competition with each
other to cooperation. In activities such as bowling, for example, they can keep
a family score and try to beat a previous one. They can set up home
responsibilities with Win-Win Agreements that eliminate constant nagging and
enable parents to do the things only they can do.
A
friend once shared with me a cartoon he'd seen of two children talking to each
other. "If mommy doesn't get us up soon," one was saying, "we're
going to be late for school." These words brought forcibly to his
attention the nature of the problems created when families are not organized on
a responsible win-win basis.
Win-win
puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results
within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable
to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural
result of performance. And win-win
systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win-Win
Agreements.
Processes
There's
no way to achieve win-win ends with win-lose or lose-win means. You can't say,
"You're going to Think Win-Win, whether you like it or not." So the
question becomes how to arrive at a win-win solution.
Roger
Fisher and William Ury, two Harvard law professors,
have done some outstanding work in what they call the "principled"
approach versus the "positional" approach to bargaining in their
tremendously useful and insightful book, Getting to Yes. Although the words
win-win are not used, the spirit and underlying
philosophy of the book are in harmony with the win-win approach.
They
suggest that the essence of principled negotiation is to separate the person
from the problem, to focus on interests and not on positions, to invent options
for mutual gain, and to insist on objective criteria -- some external standard
or principle that both parties can buy into.
In
my own work with various people and organizations seeking win-win solutions, I
suggest that they become involved in the following four-step process: First,
see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and
give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or
better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns
(not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable
solution. And fourth, identify possible
new options to achieve those results.
Habits
5 and 6 deal directly with two of the elements of this process, and we will go
into those in depth in the next two chapters. But at this juncture, let me
point out the highly interrelated nature of the process of win-win with the
essence of win-win itself. You can only achieve win-win solutions with win-win
processes -- the
end and the means are the same.
Win-win
is not a personality technique. It's a total paradigm of human interaction. It
comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance
Mentality. It grows out of high-trust
relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage
expectations as well as accomplishments. It thrives in supportive systems. And
it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in
Habits 5 and 6.
Application
Suggestions:
1.
Think
about an upcoming interaction wherein you will be attempting to reach an
agreement or negotiate a solution. Commit to maintain a balance between courage
and consideration.
2.
Make
a list of obstacles that keep you from applying the win-win paradigm more
frequently. Determine what could be done within your Circle of Influence to
eliminate some of those obstacles.
3.
Select
a specific relationship where you would like to develop a Win-Win
Agreement. Try to put yourself in the
other person's place, and write down explicitly how you think that person sees
the solution. Then list, from your own perspective, what results would
constitute a win for you. Approach the other person and ask if he or she would
be willing to communicate until you reach a point of agreement and mutually
beneficial solution.
4.
Identify
three key relationships in your life.
Give some indication of what you feel the balance is in each of the
Emotional Bank Accounts. Write down some specific ways you could make deposits
in each account.
5.
Deeply
consider your own scripting. Is it
win-lose? How does that scripting affect your interactions with other people?
Can you identify the main source of that script? Determine whether or not those
scripts serve well in your current reality.
6.
Try
to identify a model of win-win thinking who, even in hard situations, really
seeks mutual benefit. Determine now to more closely watch and learn from this
person's example.