Bad Ass

Bill Bailey

SCENE: Stage is divided into two rooms with a partition down the center. The room on the left is an office with PROPRIETOR at a desk adding columns of numbers on an old noisy adding machine. The right room is dark.

KNOCK ON DOOR:
PROPRIETOR: “Come in. It’s open.
Customer comes in from off stage and approaches the desk.
CUSTOMER: “They said you could get a piece of ass here, for not a lot of money.”
PROPRIETOR: “They were right, if you aren’t too picky.”
CUSTOMER: “Is she really ugly?”
PROPRIETOR: “See for yourself.”
Proprietor opens the door to the adjacent room and turns on the light. The room contains a bed with a beautiful girl in it and no other furniture.
CUSTOMER: “Wow.”
PROPRIETOR: “Twenty dollars.”
CUSTOMER:  “I’ll give you ten.”
PROPRIETOR: “Twenty or goodbye.”
CUSTOMER:  “O.K. twenty.”
Proprietor takes the offered twenty dollar bill and puts it on the desk. Customer walks into the adjacent room and closes the door. He walks to the bed while unbuttoning his shirt.
CUSTOMER: “I really appreciate this.”
Customer jostles the girl gently. He then lays his right hand on her forehead. He jumps back and retreats to the office.
CUSTOMER: “This girl is dead!”
PRORIETOR: “You’re being picky. You can still fuck her; she isn’t stiff.”
Customer vomits in the waste basket.
CUSTOMER: “This is the sickest thing I ever heard of.”
Customer exits the office, slamming the door. Proprietor picks up the twenty dollar bill”
PROPRIETOR: “Do you want your money back?”
Proprietor resumes adding his columns of numbers.

CURTAIN